This whole week has felt like a blur & emotionally I'm drained. A couple of days ago my family lost a pet in the most traumatic way. He was a foster, and we were searching for his forever home. On one of the coldest nights last winter he found his way to my parents home, and he offered them so much joy and light. He had a piece of all of our hearts and had become a member of our family. To see him gone-- so unexpectedly just made death that much more real. I have been an emotional wreck, crying throughout random moments of the day. Then I started to think of our family friend Vicky, who passed away in December from pancreatic cancer and I just lost it. I had never really taken the time to grieve for her. I cried at her funeral, but I forced myself to shut down my emotions afterward. I didn't want to feel like a burden to anyone else. Losing someone so kind and sweet in such a slow way seems so unfair. But the truth is, death is cruel. It's traumatic. & sympathetic words don't make it any less painful.
I know there are many people who find comfort in the idea of heaven. As a child, I did. I think death and the after life become more complex subjects as you grow older. Because really who can be sure about what lies ahead? I have so many questions, so many doubts-- not about my faith but about life in general. Why are good people always going through the most difficult trials? Why are they not honored and remembered like celebrities? Why is there so much injustice in this world? My heart hurts just thinking about it. I hope that in due time my grieving heart fully heals.
For anyone struggling with the concept of death, I wanted to share this beautiful quote by C.S. Lewis that has been comforting to repeat: "You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."